Wednesday, July 09, 2008

Be warned ... this post will not be a pretty one

My mood started to dip by the end of the day the night before.

I have no idea why but I just feel that I am a little overwhelmed and tired.
This morning on the way to work, my mood crashed... I broke down when I eventually reached school.

Teared a little... not those cry my eyes out kind.

This is the third week at work and I am not happy.

Not happy having to leave the baby at home, not happy to have to walk out of the house with her crying behind, not happy having to pry her little fingers off me and hand her to my mum, not happy to be holding her when she naps in the afternoon, not happy to hear her little feet plattering around me...

So the whole emotion thingy is making me sick in the tummy this morning (or is it due to the fact that I have yet to eat my breakfast?)

Then in the train, I sat happily reading my novel (which depicts a 50 year old lady who had an affair and now is pregnant... how I wish I can be home and be a new mummy again!). The people started to fill the train and I was oblivious to them. I usually will look around and see if there is anyone who needs the seat more than me but today I did not bother.

There was an elder man but he don't seems to need the seat and he is not very near me too. I carried on readin till the train reached my stop. As I stood to alight, the elder man wobbled his way to my now vacant seat.

By then, my heart had already dropped to my feet. What a selfish spoilt brat I was... I cannot stop blaming myself till now.

Yup... my emotions were haywired by the time I reached school so I cried (a little).

Now... I am trying very hard to concentrate on my work... which you can see that I cannot... haiz...

I need some therapy... retail? crafting?


And on a lighter note, thanks for the nice comments about the rubix cube. It can be quite fun trying to solve it. Now with the formula in hand, it doesn't seems tuanting anymore.

Lastly, I leave you with this cute little face.
That is Ash around 2 years old.


Ahfat said...

I know how hard it is to leave your girls at home crying, and have to face the hectic life in school(I have worked in school b4). I guess as time goes by, you will get use to it and so will your girls.
By then, if you still don't like what you are doing, maybe you can consider what I have done - quit and do relief teaching. Just a suggestion, of course it need much more discussion with your husband.
Wish you all the best in whatever you do.

Superpig said...

Its always hard to pull yourself away from our lovely daughters. The same feeling when we start placing Ashlyn to childcare, sad becos they hardly leave your arms. Consider leaving your work early? Don't be afriad of coming home early and interrupt their sleep, bring them to Compass point or the garden below in the evening. see them run around makes you happier. Ashlyn is capable of performing, really.

Ron Jun/Megan said...

Take it easy...there are times a lot of confusion comes to our mind but just lift up all your worries and burden unto God cos he cares for you...

I found your blog through Pam's are such a talented mummy. I think you kids are so blessed to have you as their mum...u can bake, cook and sew!!!

Hope to be your friend and a sis in Christ!

charmainelene said...

my heart goes to you, dear fren...and i think all of you are capable to performing great tasks, as a family, with the Lord...such a supportive dearie hubby, and u,too, u'r such a wonderfuly lady!

Tine said...

I'm so sorry to hear you are unhappy :-(
It is so difficult to leave your baby and go to work. It just doesn't make sense! But we do what we have to do. And in the end, I hope our children will see, that we did the very best we could!

imp said...

don't blame yourself- it was just a bad day. we all have bad days. :( hope you feel better now.

Suzanne said...

Wen so sorry to hear about your bad days. It must be heartbreaking to leave little ones when they cry. We are thinking of you and hope that someone this will work out O.K.
Make some craft time this weekend if you can.

Anonymous said...

I know how incredibly difficult it is to go to work knowing that we want nothing more to be at home with our little ones. Hope that you're feeling better soon, and I agree with Suzanne, have some 'me' time this weekend :-)