Friday, August 20, 2010

What is depression?
It is a feeling of lost, self-worthlessness, despair, anxiety .. all negative feelings of oneself put into a pot and brewed over time.

How does it come about?
Believe me, it comes from how one was treated before. When you are constantly compared to another, and no matter how much you have done, it is always falling short.

Never a praise but always a sacarsm.
Never a pat at the back for a good effort also a kick in the butt for wasting time...

Till now, I have accomplished so much but seemed to have gain little.
Till now, I still question myself, "What is my worth?"

I had asked myself why am I always so down in the mood, I finally understood.
I can never measure up to what my mother wants.
No matter how I tried to please her, it is always falling short.
What is she measuring against?
I have no idea...
It could be my brothers, her daughter-in-law, herself, my cousin...
It pains me to hear her praise others but never never never me.

I grew up not know what is my worth and till now, I still do not know.

I used to seek love and self-worth from friends but it is short lived because I return home and the comparison continues.

I seek to be the nicest person on earth, always willing to help my so-called friends and ended up tired and sad because I realised that I am nothing but a stinky old doormat.

I try to do my best in everything but end up being hyper stressed out.

I try to give all my time to everyone who wants it but end up leaving no time for myself.

I try and I try and I try... but I yeild nothing but all these negativity in me.

Through my mother's words, I learnt that I am stupid, I am useless, I am a spendthrift, I am a lousy mother, I am a lousy wife, I am useless daughter, I am a stupid teacher... and there are more....

If anyone is reading this and is a mother, please be watchful of what you say to your children... the impact is a lifetime... and it hurts.

If only my mother knows ... but even if she does... she will just say ,"Then, you think you are a better mother?"

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Singapore's 45th Birthday

Yesterday, we celebrated the nation's independence of 45 years.
For 45 years, we have came a long way and with all the hardship of our ancestors, we the descendents get to enjoy the luxurious economy growth. So, for the sake of our children, we should also strive for stable economic growth and peaceful harmony between all races.

We were actually out and about looking at furniture for some ideas for our new place and when we drove home, we realised that at our town centre, it was set up for a fireworks. So we went home, took a rest while watching the NDP live on TV. When it was almost time, we walked to the town centre and experienced the fireworks up close!

When the firework started, everyone was excited and you will hear a long continuous scream and that would be Aver. She claimed that she wanted to be louder than the fireworks!

The second burst of fireworks came as a surprise!

And as we were about to leave to head home, the thrid burst started!

We enjoyed ourselves. Hope you had enjoyed your National Day too.