Friday, August 20, 2010

What is depression?
It is a feeling of lost, self-worthlessness, despair, anxiety .. all negative feelings of oneself put into a pot and brewed over time.

How does it come about?
Believe me, it comes from how one was treated before. When you are constantly compared to another, and no matter how much you have done, it is always falling short.

Never a praise but always a sacarsm.
Never a pat at the back for a good effort also a kick in the butt for wasting time...

Till now, I have accomplished so much but seemed to have gain little.
Till now, I still question myself, "What is my worth?"

I had asked myself why am I always so down in the mood, I finally understood.
I can never measure up to what my mother wants.
No matter how I tried to please her, it is always falling short.
What is she measuring against?
I have no idea...
It could be my brothers, her daughter-in-law, herself, my cousin...
It pains me to hear her praise others but never never never me.

I grew up not know what is my worth and till now, I still do not know.

I used to seek love and self-worth from friends but it is short lived because I return home and the comparison continues.

I seek to be the nicest person on earth, always willing to help my so-called friends and ended up tired and sad because I realised that I am nothing but a stinky old doormat.

I try to do my best in everything but end up being hyper stressed out.

I try to give all my time to everyone who wants it but end up leaving no time for myself.

I try and I try and I try... but I yeild nothing but all these negativity in me.

Through my mother's words, I learnt that I am stupid, I am useless, I am a spendthrift, I am a lousy mother, I am a lousy wife, I am useless daughter, I am a stupid teacher... and there are more....

If anyone is reading this and is a mother, please be watchful of what you say to your children... the impact is a lifetime... and it hurts.

If only my mother knows ... but even if she does... she will just say ,"Then, you think you are a better mother?"


about Jaeden said...

did you ever tell her how you feel?

khhast said...

oh big hugs my dear.
I too have suffered from depression, never feeling I was "good enough"

Keep believing in yourself, you are doing a wonderful job!

Arkerchi said...

Thank you, Kathy. It comes and goes... but I survived and will continue to survive :)